Jess and Nick talk about all of the weirdos they’ve been dating lately, talking about how at their ages, the dating pool is getting scarce and the less desirables are multiplying. However, Jess thinks she found a good one, Ian, who wants to take her on a third date. Nick advises against it, but Jess confirms anyway, because on the third date, “Momma gets the biscuit.”
The fact that she lives with her ex makes Jess apprehensive about bringing Ian home, but warns all of the boys to behave. Nick says he uses the, “I still live with my ex,” line to get the girls out of his room in the morning. Coach thinks Ian will run through the wall like the Kool-Aid man when she tells him. They’re all being very discouraging, making Jess nervous about telling Ian the truth about her living situation.
While Jess deals with the crisis of telling Ian who she lives with, Winston is busy playing handyman for the neighbor girls. He’s been fixing things in their apartment for months, gathering their mail, and basically, being their secretary and go-to guy for anything and everything. Coach insists that instead of trying to worm his way in by doing odd jobs, that Winston should just ask the girls out, but Winston thinks that won’t work. Coach gets the job done for him and asks the girls to hang out later, and they agree, with no hesitation.
Cece has always been more well-endowed than Jess, but wants to borrow a bra from Jess to help hold her ladies up and squish them in a little. The women in her family are known for their large chests but also for the back problems that come with them. Cece is debating a breast-reduction, and from across the apartment, Schmidt comes storming in screaming, “No!” after hearing the phrase. He begs Cece not to cut down the girls, and starts to go through the five stages of grief at the thought of losing his ‘best friends.’
Ian and Jess are having a beautiful date night, and Jess asks Ian if he’d like to get a drink at the bar known as ‘My Place’ (her apartment), they make a little lame joke to each other, and then Jess drops the bombshell that she lives with her ex. Ian freaks out a bit and says he doesn’t think things will work out for him and Jess. Jess panics and tells Ian that Nick is gay.
Coming to an understanding over why she still lives with her ex, Ian goes home with Jess. Before letting him into the house, Jess rushes in and blurts out to Nick that she told Ian he was gay, so he needs to act gay. Starting out a little shaky but coming through strong, Nick pulls off the ‘I’m Gay’ act flawlessly – a little odd in pure Nick style, but still a flawless performance.
Since Schmidt is feeling depressed about losing his friends, Coach invites him to hang out with Winston and the neighbor girls, in hopes of cheering him up. Coach tries to convince the girls that Winston is leaving for 44 weeks, and the girls realize how much they’ll miss not having him around. However, Schmidt blows their cover when he starts moping about Cece’s breasts again, and the story goes down in flames. The girls kick Winston out, and now he’s angry at Coach, because all the hard work he’s put in building his friendship with the girls for the last six months got thrown out the window.
Of course, after bringing Ian home and Nick’s convincing gay-backstory, Ian and Jess do the deed. While they’re relaxing in bed the next morning, Nick knocks on the door. Jess throws on a robe and meets Nick outside the door.
Nick made an uh-oh and brought a girl home the night before, and turns out, she’s still in his room and won’t leave. She wasn’t scared off by the fact that Nick lives with his ex, but she’s also a little bit crazy (or a lot crazy). Jess is worried this will blow her cover with Ian, so she starts to scheme with Nick. She decides she will go talk to the crazy girl and try to one-up her crazy by acting like the psycho ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately, Jess doesn’t intimidate the crazy girl at all, the crazy girl actually intimidates Jess.
Coach walks in on Winston hanging shelves for the neighbor girls. He’s appalled that Winston would go behind his back and crawl back to the girls. Coach stands up for Winston, saying he is tired of the girls taking advantage of Winston being too nice, and says he’s taking Winston away from them. The girls panic at the thought of losing their handyman and play rock, paper, scissors to see who’s going to sleep with Winston, as a pay-off for all of his hard work the past few months.
Busy playing psycho ex-girlfriend in Nick’s room, Jess leaves Nick and Ian alone in the kitchen. Ian starts to grill Nick on what kind of gay guy he is, what type of guys he’s into, and anything else he can think to ask him. Nick being the awful liar that he is, starts sweating buckets. Just as Ian is about to call Nick out on his lie, Schmidt walks in, looking a little sad and pathetic. Schmidt starts apologizing to Nick about not coming home the night before, because he was too upset to come home, and Ian starts to think that Schmidt is Nick’s boyfriend. Nick catches on to how Ian feels, but Schmidt is so naive that he thinks Nick genuinely cares about his situation, but in reality, he’s building up an act for Ian to see. It ends with Nick kissing Schmidt on the mouth.
Always having perfect timing, Jess chases the crazy girl into the kitchen and tells Ian she has something to tell him. At that moment, the crazy girl kisses Nick and the whole illusion of Gay Nick is shattered. Before Ian storms out, he tells Jess how crazy she is and how crazy her living situation is. And that’s the end of Ian.
In the middle of her consultation, Schmidt bursts into Cece’s exam room. He’s reached stage five – acceptance. He wants to say goodbye to Cece’s breasts, and at first, Cece tells him to get out, but after seeing how upset he is, she agrees to let him say bye to one of them. Schmidt is torn – he doesn’t know whether or not to say goodbye to Harold or Kumar (Cece’s right and left breast). As he makes his decision, Schmidt makes Cece put in noise-cancelling earbuds while he says his goodbyes, and Cece sneaks a little listen in at the end, hearing Schmidt call her the most beautiful person in the world.
By the end of the episode, as they’re waiting in line for the shower, Nick and Jess discuss how they’re the weirdos in the dating pool. Oh, and the crazy girl still hasn’t left yet. Jess says if she’s never leaving, Nick might just have to marry her.
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